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* This post is currently part of a competition at Knucklehead Humor. I have been pitted against nine other super-bloggers in an "American Idol" type scenario, eliminating two bloggers a week based on votes made by YOU. The topic we must blog about this week is "Current Event Satire." Should you enjoy my post the most, I hope you will go to Knucklehad Humor and vote me ahead!
Most likely you weren't aware of this, but this past December 19th, Kim Peek passed away from a heart attack. If you don't know who he was, Kim Peek was a "mega-savant" that was the inspiration for the movie "Rain Man." Kim Peek had completely memorized over 10,000 books and could tell you the newspaper headlines that happened on your birthday, however he could not button his own shirt or know when to wipe the drool of his retard face.
Anyways, I like Kim Peek. In fact I've named one of my favorite road games after him, The Kim Peek Puzzler. I'm going to get back to Kim Peek in a minute, because I first want to talk to you about what may be the biggest current even effecting us, our uncertain Economy. Our government has released quite a few incentives and stimulus packages for us, but I don't really understand a whole lot about government so it doesn't help, in fact I don't even really know the difference between a republican and democrat. All these banks and mega-corporations get bailed the fuck out earlier this year while we have been sitting in debt and uncertainty. I had to do something. I can't send you a check that will rid you of your obligations, but I can offer you the next best thing, personal freedom. The first step is to get rid of your spouse and take their money. Even if they don't have a lot of money, you can still open and max out all the credit you can and prepare for the marriage to be dissolved. That's right, dissolved. You see I have come up with a foolproof method that will EXPIRE your marriage and give you most all of the assets. Just send me your wedding photos and a clear copy of both of your signatures, you know....for verification purposes, hehe.
Divorce is nasty, plus it's mean. It's much easier to just have your marriage expire. Just think of the benefits:
- You will lose weight. It's a face that married people gain weight once they reach that comfort zone. Once you are single and looking for some fresh meat, you will be slimming up in no time.
- Your only worries will be what to wear out at night, and what kind of condoms to get. Ribbed, Lambskin, or maybe none at all? Decisions, Decisions.
- Less stress. No more worrying about that louse (loser spouse).
Expiring your marriage is easy, provided you had a signed prenuptial agreement prior to your marriage, detailing the expiration date and instructions of how to manage the assets. With all the paperwork that is created during the marriage process, it's easy to just sign things and casually forget what you are signing. Now I'm not saying that we should just get a piece of printer paper and make a fake agreement with a forged signature, that wouldn't hold up in court. It MUST look very official and also have very elaborate, official writing. For a limited time, I will provide you with an Official Scroll, with very official fancy lettering that you supposedly *cough* had your spouse sign during your engagement.
I shall also for an additional fee, include this short addendum which will be hidden in the fine print below.
It won't look bad on you, because you can just blame the paperwork, and there isn't anything you can do about it because it's expired! If your spouse argues that he doesn't ever remember signing it, I will provide solid evidence that it happened. This is why your wedding photos are needed.
It won't look bad on you, because you can just blame the paperwork, and there isn't anything you can do about it because it's expired! If your spouse argues that he doesn't ever remember signing it, I will provide solid evidence that it happened. This is why your wedding photos are needed.
Now how can you deny THAT!?-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Our next step in improving the economy is to elect better officials. I am currently working on developing a new political party named "The Retardlican Party." Just think how wonderful it would be to have actual retards in office. Have you ever heard a retard lie? Didn't think so. Ever tried debating a retard and won? Didn't think so.
Can you imagine sending a fine elected Retardlican over to negotiate with a foreign enemy? First of all, there will be no fucking negotiating, second, you never know what will happen. He could return with an order to wipe Iran off the map or to air drop 723 tons of chocolate sprinkled cupcakes into Islamabad. You just don't. Fucking. Know. Just look at this powerful image.
So are you with me on this? Let's hire some real retards into office so they can clean this shit up, plus with your newly single lifestyle, you won't have to feel guilty for sexing up that chubby co-worker anymore, and you will be thinner, richer, and smarter. Plus, more homes will be bought due to split up families and a spur in professional jobs (namely child therapists, and suicide counselors) will occur! Economy Solved.
Now, please head to WWW.KNUCKLEHEADHUMOR.COM and vote for me if you think this post is better than the others! Voting is on until Wednesday, January 6th. Comments are always appreciated as well, I love you guys.
